Live from Hogwarts, It's Saturday Night!
by StephenKingJunkie
Summary: The NotReadyForPrimetime Players with musical guest the Weird Sisters and your host, Guilderoy Lockhart present 'Hogwarts Night Live! Features Diana from my other fan fics... enjoy!
1. The Monologue

(A slideshow of various candid shots of Hogwarts students.)

Dumbledore: (off-screen) Live from Hogwarts, it's Saturday night! Featuring the Not-Ready-For-Primetime Players...

Cedric Diggory,

Diana Cross,

Fred Weasley,

Hermione Granger,

Luna Lovegood,

Harry Potter,

and Ron Weasley!

With your musical guest, the Weird Sisters...

And your host, Guilderoy Lockhart!

(Fade in to a stage set up in the Great Hall. The crowd goes wild as Guilderoy Lockhart walks up to the microphone.)

Guilderoy: Hello everybody - I'm Guilderoy Lockhart, author of Magical Me, Travels With Trolls, and many other books, and also the 5-time winner of the 'Witch Weekly' Best Smile award. I'm very excited to be hosting the 1st episode of 'Hogwarts Night Live', and -

(Hermione and Luna, as the fan girls Laura and Lara, respectively, run up to Guilderoy and tackle him.)

Laura: I LOVE YOU, GUILDEROY!

Lara: Can I get a picture of you?

Guilderoy: Ladies, ladies, there's plenty of me to go around! (to audience as the girls practically suffocate him) Anyways, enjoy this first sketch!


	2. Auditions: Rob vs Zac

1st Sketch: 'Twilight' Auditions

Players:

Cedric - Rob Pattinson

Guilderoy - Zac Efron

Diana - Katie the Casting Director

Hermione - Laura

Luna - Lara

-----------------------------------------

(Stage is set up to look like the audition room at Warner Brothers Studios. Rob is auditioning to play Edward Cullen, Katie's sitting at the desk.)

Katie: (taking notes) Okay... let's see... Rob, I'm going to ask you a couple of questions, and you're going to answer them as if you're Edward at the end of Twilight.

Rob: Um, okay.

Katie: Where were you born?

Rob: Chicago in 1901.

Katie: (sets down pencil) First things first - if you're going to play a guy born and raised in Chicago, you're going to have to drop the accent.

Rob: (in an American accent) You were saying?

Katie: Okay... you single, Edward?

Rob: Nope - my girlfriend's name is Bella.

Katie: What are your parents' names?

Rob: Carlisle and Esme.

Katie: Okay... (takes a couple of notes, hands Rob a sheet of paper) if you could just read that aloud, that'd be great.

Rob: (clears throat, takes on Edward face) So the lion fell in love with the lamb...

Katie: (in squeaky voice) Stupid lamb...

Rob: Sadistic, masochistic lion -

(Zac Efron bursts through the door.)

Zac: (singing) I can say it be-e-e-tter!

Katie: Right... Rob, meet Zac. He's auditioning, too.

Rob: Oh!

Zac: (singing) Don't so surprised. (goes through pockets) Where the he-e-ell's my hair ge-e-el?

Katie: Zac, you weren't supposed to be here until 4.

Zac: I can never wait long - my roles aw-a-a-it!

Katie: Right... (to Rob) at one point in 'Twilight', he's singing along with the oldies station, so I'm going to need you to sing 'The Girl From Ipanema' real quick.

Rob: (laughing) Excuse me?

Zac: If he won't sing it, I will! (totally off-key) _Once you browse through the whole selection -_

Rob: Wrong song, retard! (on-key) _Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes I smile, but she doesn't see..._

(Katie nods while smiling and takes notes.)

Zac: You're not really going to consider the dude who played Salvador Dali, are you?

Rob: You're certainly one to talk - you were in a Disney musical!

Zac: Yeah?! Well, you... forgot the name of the movie, but there was this one movie where you kept staring at Daniel Radcliffe's -

Rob: Hey! The director told me to! And besides, you played Link Larkin!

Katie: BOYS! Calm down - neither of you is gayer then the other!

Zac: (doing the fake sneeze thing) Gaywad!

Rob: Alright, that's it! (starts wailing on him - fistfight insues)

(Laura and Lara burst in carrying pom-poms.)

Laura: Give me an R!

Lara: (pushing her out of the way) Give me a Z!

Laura: (pushing her out of the way) Give me an O!

Lara: (pushing her out of the way) Give me an A!

Laura: (kicks her to the ground) Give me an a B! And what have we got? Rob!

Lara: (gets up, trips Laura) No way! Give me a C! And what have we got? Zac!

(The girls start fighting.)

Zac: (stops fighting for a second) Where's my video camera? This is better then those photos that Vanessa sent me! (resumes fistfight)

END OF SKIT


	3. Weekend Update

(The Weekend Update Stage. Cedric and Diana are sitting at the desk.)

Cedric: Welcome to 'Weekend Update'! I'm Cedric Diggory.

Diana: I'm Diana Cross, and these are tonight's top stories.

(A picture of Fizzing Whizzbees appears over Diana's shoulder.)

Diana: It's just been announced that Fizzing Whizzbees, a popular candy, have LSD in them. This is due to the fact that billywig stingers are part of the formula, and those contain LSD. And, this just in, Honeydukes has had a mass increase in sales of Fizzing Whizzbees to Hufflepuffs and 1st-years.

Cedric: Look, I understand that the house is called Hufflepuff because of Helga Hufflepuff, but seriously - don't you ever think to realize that Hufflepuffs are thought to 'Puff' inhalants? Honestly! (sighs) Moving on.

(A photoshopped picture of Robert Pattinson with dark circles under his eyes and topaz eyes appears over Cedric's shoulder.)

Cedric: Robert Pattinson, who played Daniel in 'The Bad Mother's Handbook', has joined the cast of 'Twilight' as Edward Cullen.

Diana: (hugs self) Yay! And lucky me - I happen to be a brunette fan girl!

Cedric: Huh? How does it make a difference if you're a brunette?

Diana: (narrows eyes) Edward SAID that he prefers brunettes.

Cedric: Next thing you know, Rob's going to playing Lestat alongside Michelle Pfeiffer as Gabrielle! (looks at prompter) What?! Uh, this just in - he's also joined the cast of 'The Vampire Lestat' as Lestat de Lioncourt, with Michelle Pfeiffer as Gabrielle de Lioncourt and Johnny Depp as Nicolas de Lenfent.

Diana: (throws papers in the air) WE LOVE YOU, ROB!

Cedric: (stares at camera) Whoever's playing Bella... I suggest you bar your doors. (glances at Diana, who's still acting like a crazed fan girl) Moving on.

(Hermione as Emily Latella sits down at the desk.)

Cedric: With her Editorial of the Week is our special correspondent, Miss Emily Latella!

Emily: Thank you, Cedric. (pushes up glasses as she looks down at papers) I've been hearing a lot in the news lately about You-No-Poo. Why is everyone concerned about constipation? We should be concerned about the Dark Lord, not Weasley products! And what's this I hear about You-No-Poo taking over? People, get more fiber in your diets and this won't be a problem -

Cedric: Uh, Emily? The topic is You-Know-Who.

Emily: Oh... well, that's quite different.

Cedric: Yes it is.

Emily: (to the camera) To all those watching... never mind. (walks off-stage)

Cedric: Emily Latella, everybody! (looks back at Diana) Are you finished?

Diana: Nope! (hugs self) Now I am. Okay, moving on.

Cedric: Hey, that's my line!

Diana: Whatever! Now, with HIS editorial of the week, we have our very own Opera Man!

(Fred, dressed up as Opera Man, sits down at the desk.)

Opera Man: (singing) Umbridge, you're stupido,

Why you say no clubs-o?

You ban DADA,

You fire Trelawney-a,

Here we say-a -

Screw you-a!

Diana: Opera Man, everybody! (Fred walks off-stage)

Cedric: That's all the time we have for now - you stay classy, Hogwarts!

Diana: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

END OF SKIT


	4. Weasley's World

(Fred and Ron are sitting on a couch in a basement.)

Fred and Ron: (singing) It's 'Weasley's World',

'Weasley's World',

Party time,

Excellent!

Fred: Alright, welcome to 'Weasley's World', I'm your most excellent host, Fred Weasley.

Ron: And I'm Ron Weasley.

Fred: Tonight on 'Weasley's World', we have a Top 5 List - Ron, you wanna tell the audience what it is?

Ron: Top 5 Things That Hugh Hefner Would Change About Hogwarts. (holds up list)

Fred: Number 5: Bunny Ears Instead of Witch Hats.

Ron: Not only do they look most excellent on certain Gryffindors, but they last much longer then witch hats. Number 4: Claudia Schiffer as Quidditch Referee.

Fred: Need we say more?

Fred and Ron: SCH-WING!

Fred: Okay, number 3: Co-ed Nude Quidditch. 'Nuff said.

Ron: Number 2: The addition of the Hogsmeade Playboy Strip Club. Wha? Guy can dream, can't he?

Fred: And the number 1 Top Thing That Hugh Hefner Would Change About Hogwarts: Hogwarts will be relocated to the Playboy mansion.

Ron: Excellent!

Fred: Extreme close-up! WAHHH!

END OF SKIT


	5. Song 1: Do the Hippogriff

(The bare stage. The Weird Sisters are onstage, ready to play.)

Guilderoy: Ladies and gentlemen, the Weird Sisters! (walks off-stage)

(Heathcote, the lead singer, walks up to the microphone.)

Heathcote: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME REAL MUSIC, HOGWARTS?! (really loud shouts of approval from the audience)

Move your body like a hairy troll

Learning to rock and roll

Spin around like a crazy 'elf

A' Dancin' by himself

I boogie down like a unicorn

No stoppin' till the break of dawn

Put your hands up in the air

Like a dog, or just don't care

Can you dance the hipogriff?

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Flyin' off from a cliff

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Swooping down, to the ground

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Wheel around and around and around and around

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Move around like a scary ghost

Spooking himself the most

Shake your booty like a boggart in pain

Again and again and again

Get it on like an angry specter

Who's definitely out to get ya'

Stamp your feet like a leprechaun

Gettin' it on, gettin' it on

Can you dance the hippogriff?

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Flyin' off from a cliff

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Swooping down, to the ground

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Wheel around and around and around and around

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Ooh, come on

Mmm, you gotta move it

Like a groovy creature,

Creature of the night

Yeah, that's right

Ah, a creature of the night

Well, do ya' feel alright?

Do ya' feel alright?

Ow!

Yeah!

Can you dance like a hippogriff?

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Flyin' off from a cliff

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Swooping down, to the ground

Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma

Wheel around and around and around and around

Come on, ah, come on, yeah!

Can dance you like a hippogriff? Yeah!

(Major applause.)


	6. Celebrity Jeopardy

Celebrity Jeopardy

Players:

Diana Cross - Alexandra Trebeck

Cedric Diggory - Lestat

Harry Potter - Louis

Ron Weasley - Sean Connery

(Jeopardy theme song: we're taken to the stage)

Alexandra: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! I'm your host, Alexandra Trebeck.

Sean: What happened to that bastard Alex?

Alexandra: He's sick, and don't call my father a bastard, thank you very much.

Sean: Daughter? Woah - didn't think Trebeck had it in him to so much as flirt.

Alexandra: ANYWAY. Since we last left our players, Lestat de Lioncourt has negative 3679 dollars -

Lestat: What is money when you can have a good time just hunting the evildoer?

Alexandra: - Sean Connery has negative one hundred thousand -

Sean: Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Alexandra: - and Louis de Pointe du Lac has the only positive score in the game, 3 dollars.

Louis: What is money when I have no one I love to share it with?

Lestat: Well, maybe if YOU had been taking better care of Claudia, you would still have someone to mope around Paris with -

Louis: Shut your mouth, Curly!

Lestat: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!

Louis: You heard me! I wonder how much time you spend with that hair crimper!

Lestat: You do realize I could kill you with my bare hands and a lighter, correct?

Sean: Both of you stupid bloodsucking ninnies better shut up so we can get on with the bloody game!

Alexandra: Thank you, Mr. Connery.

Sean: That's what your mother said last night.

Louis: Ooo, he just schooled you!

Lestat: Looks like someone just got burned!

Alexandra: ANYWAY. This round's categories are... 'Vampires', 'What Color', 'Animal Sounds', 'YouTube Videos', and 'Foods That End in -orkchops'. Louis won the backstage coin toss and therefore will be going first.

Lestat: It's only because he used a double-sided coin!

Alexandra: Lestat, one more outburst and I will personally throw you out of the studio.

Lestat: Sorry. Bitch.

Louis: I'll take Vampires for 200.

Alexandra: ... "This famous literary anti-hero has appeared in over 5 novels and was played by Tom Cruise and Stuart Townsend." buzzer Yes, Louis?

Louis: Uh... Marius?

Alexandra: I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Lestat: (to Louis) You ass!

Sean: It's about time we got some contestants who are my proteges in arguing!

Alexandra: Since no one got that right, Louis, it's still your turn. And the correct answer was 'Lestat'.

Lestat: And what with the albums and the novels, you'd think that my own freaking fledging would know the answer!

Louis: I'm sorry! I was reading Marius-Armand slash before the show.

Lestat: Wha...?

Sean: (chuckling) Ah, Marius-Armand slash. Rule number 1, there's slash for everything.

Louis: I'll take 'Animal Sounds' for 200.

Alexandra: ... "This is the sound a cow makes." buzzer Yes, Mr. Connery?

Sean: Moo.

Alexandra: I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Sean: Oh well - that's the sound your mother made last night.

Alexandra: What IS it with you and cracking jokes about people's mothers?

Sean: YOUR MUM.

Alexandra: Wha -

Sean: YOUR MUM'S FACE.

Alexandra: Moving on -

Sean: YOUR MUM'S FACE WHILE MAKING OUT WITH A WAFFLE.

Alexandra: - it's now time for Final Jeopardy, and the category is... Song Lyrics. Just write down a line of a song. Any song. Final Jeopardy Music Let's see the answers. First, Lestat de Lioncourt... "I Heart David Talbot". I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Let's see your wager... "David Talbot's Hand in Marriage."

Lestat: (nodding) That's right. 'Cause he's awesome like that.

Alexandra: Fascinating, but that's still incorrect.

Lestat: What?! That was in my band's song 'Ballad of the Hotties'!

Alexandra: ... right... Louis, you're next. Your answer... "I Heart Edward Cullen".

Lestat: Louis, darling, how could you?!

Louis: (shrugs) I dunno. He's hot.

Alexandra: And your wager... "Edward's topaz eyes staring at my soul". Wow, that was slightly disturbing... incorrect... Mr. Connery, let's see what you wrote this time.

Sean: (nodding condescendingly) Oh yeah. This'll pwn.

Alexandra: "She wore an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini". Wow, amazing! You actually wrote song lyrics! That's correct! And your wager... "That Alexandra Trebeck wore on the Moulin Rouge stage."

Sean: (cracking up) Take that, Trebeck!

Alexandra: I'm sorry, but you didn't win anything and therefore no one wins.

Sean: What?! I played your game, Trebeck, you rogue - THE TITLE OF WINNER IS MINE!

Alexandra: Join us next week for another episode of 'Celebrity Jeopardy'!


End file.
